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My mom

Posted 09-11-2008 at 07:44 PM by UDPride
I never thought my first real serious blog entry would encapsulate something so personal and private, but I suppose thats what blogs are for.

Last Sunday afternoon I lost my mother after a courageous 15yr battle with cancer. When I say lost, I mean through my fingers went my mother, best friend, guidance counselor, worlds greatest cook, psychotherapist, preacher, and perfection realized. Most importantly, she was my hero.

The closeness shared between my mother and I was something special, the kind of synergy only a terrible, ugly disease like cancer can fuse together. We were so alike that it was probably unhealthy, and though I have two sisters and a father she loved equally and without hesitation of trading one against the other, the bond she and I had was different and special and everyone in the family openly acknowledged it.

To know me is to know my mother. Both of us are relatively quiet types who might be characterized as homebodies. But we are feisty and opinionated and once someone crosses us too far, the other side comes out. Neither of us made friends easily. Not because we couldnt, only because we expect so much from people. We were never interested in casual friends to brag about the numbers. She and I had 1 or 2 close friends who were as close as family and thats all we needed. My mother expected the world from you, but gladly gave her world to the universe. If you met her halfway, you had a friend for life.

Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1993 and had a mastectomy and rounds of chemotherapy and radiation to battle the disease. She moved to Houston for 6 months to be treated at the MD Anderson Cancer Center. I missed her so much during that time as I was a sophomore in college. My world had been turned upside down. I knew the normal path of college, moving away, and starting a family would have to be put on hold. But it was my mom and I would have done anything for her. I chose to stay home and help her recover.

After about 5 years the cancer came back and she was forced to quit her job as an RN. Being around medicine, she knew as much as the doctors, and could practically write her own prescription and diagnose her own ailments. She even worked at a Hospice Center to care for those who were in their dying days. She had a heart as wide as the ocean and loved taking care of people. When she was around, you were always treated like you were her own mother or father.

Over the last 8--9 years she battled the disease with courage I could never begin to demonstrate were it my own life sentence. More drugs and treatments and enough prescriptions every month to be walking pharmacy. Her cancer came back and spread to her bones. Her back and spine began to deteriorate. She required nearly 500mg of Oxycontin twice a day just to cope with pain and have the energy to remain independent. But the meds also bring around terrible side effects including no appetite. She began to lose weight like most cancer patients. She was 89lb at the end. She was probably stuck with a needle 5,000 times and had blown veins from improper sticks on nearly half of them. At the end, she was so thin and fragile that there were hardly any veins left to administer. She knew where the road was headed.

In the last few months her appetite became minimal and she rarely had good days. Last week we called the EMTs after her feet swelled and she had trouble breathing. They put her on oxygen and drained nearly 850ml of fluid from a single lung in her small body. Clearly, it was the cancer. Her organs were beginning to lose the battle. She had a very good half day at the hospital following the drainage and things looked like we might have a small victory, but oxygen was a bad sign considering she never needed it before. We took her home with Hospice care and when she got back to the house she was clearly about as bad as when she left. He lungs were filling again. She never wanted to be hooked up to tubes and all that. Other than the oxygen machine we just tried to manage pain.

Over the last 18hrs I held her in my arms the whole time, only leaving twice to go to the bathroom. While support was there from others like my sisters and father and uncle, it was I who was walking with her to Heaven. I talked to her the whole time, told her I loved her and reminded her I already knew she loved me and that it didnt need to be said. I promised her Id never leave her when she needed me most. In those 15yrs, this was that time. We battled it largely together and I was going to be there for her last breath. I told her it was okay. She didnt have to go if she wasnt ready, but if she was, it was okay to let go because sometimes the greatest act of love is actually letting go. I asked her to think of herself for once and put her comfort before our misery. And then I told her I loved her again.

Were it just my mother on a deserted island, she wouldnt have gone through 1/2 of what she went through. She would have enjoyed 4-5 good years and then ended it there. But I know she loved us and didnt want to leave us too soon. Its always too soon and this was no different, but as she took her last breaths I told her if she took the first step Id take it with her and God would do the rest. I told her to not be scared. I told her I would miss her so much but I would be okay. I told her I would talk to her after it was over and she had to promise to answer me. And I told her I loved her again. I got up to use the restroom and rushed back, but as I stepped back into her bedroom I noticed she had taken a larger step toward God in that short time. I held her hand and we said goodbye together without saying a word. Everything we ever wanted to say had already been said. We were so close there was no more ambiguity.

A couple hours later the Hospice nurse told me she thought my mother hung on as long as she did because I was beside her and she didnt want to pass away in front of me and when I left the room briefly, she tried to die out of my view. I can think of no larger act of love from a mother but that was vintage mom. While my mom was unable to speak for most of the final hours, we covered so much ground. Just as we had for 15yrs. We did it together. Just like we always did. Thats the kind of mother she was to me. Never wanting to worry me, always thinking of my well being before her own.

That afternoon I had to visit her mother and before I left I begged for a sign. Im not a very religious person but in the car just a few minutes after that request, giant beams of light shined down between the clouds that spread like a fan in all directions. It filled the entire sky. I had never seen anything like that in 15-20 years of such a magnitude that filled the entire sky. Perhaps it was a coincidence but perhaps its naive' to even suggest it is. After that moment, Ive never felt as close to her as I have in the last few days. I feel her in my heart and in my soul and in my bones.

The funeral was today and I said my final goodbye as she was laid to rest next to her daddy. I was convinced I could not get through this week without some divine strength but I remember telling my mother in her final hours that if I could get her through her toughest time, she had to get me through mine. I believe she did.

Im not a person with a giant social tablet. I was closer to my mother than any human in the world. I have no wife or no children to lean on and prop me up and provide me a future for to turn the sadness around. She was nearly all I had. Perhaps ever will have. No woman ever loved me like my mom, where the unconditionality was so clear and affirmed. Im not like other people. I do not understand most humans. Im just wired different. Mom understood me and rather than throw accusations, she wrapped her arms around me with endless love. I think she was proud of me, and I was so proud of her. Her strength and courage is an act of love for her family thats undeniable.

I promised her Id care for her flowers and keep her house in order. My mothers home was her castle. Its what she lived for. She was so proud of it. She loved putting her hands in the dirt and turning our decks into an arboretum. She loved our German Shepherd Gunner. The three of us were tethered for life. We called ourselves the Three Amigos because where one went, the other two always followed. It was a bond no one will never truly understand.

I told my mother in good time the Three Amigos would re-unite and ride again one day. I believe that. Its now my job to do the things my mother would have done and to do them in the manner she would have liked. Its a job I gladly accept in her honor. Perhaps one day a nice lady will walk into my life and make it all the better, but we only get one mom and I got the best one there ever was. Mother. Caregiver. Provider. Counselor. Best Friend.

Hero.
Total Comments 8

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Angela R's Avatar
Beautifully written UDPride, I am in tears.
I am so sad for you, yet so glad that you had such a wonderful woman to raise & love you. You will be in my prayers tonight.
Posted 09-11-2008 at 09:26 PM by Angela R Angela R is offline
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SeanR's Avatar
Wow, sounds like you had a wonderful mother. You need to remember that she is still looking over you, and loving you the same.
Posted 09-11-2008 at 09:49 PM by SeanR SeanR is offline
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DonS's Avatar
I lost my mother in 2004 to a stroke when she was 79.

Today at work while I was walking I was pondering some personal situations and thought of all the people I've known I really, really, wanted to hear her advice. She always tried to find the heart of the matter, address that and then give her advice in a wonderfully persuasive manner.

As I was walking across the courtyard I just unintentionally imagined her walking with me. Of course, in my imagination she didn't say anything. But in my mind she just took my hand. I was surprised by that thought but then realized that would be a gesture she surely would make. Enough to bring a smile and a tear.

My sympathy and condolences to you for your loss.

Is there any woman a man doesn't love more than his mother?
Posted 09-12-2008 at 12:48 AM by DonS DonS is offline
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Jaak's Avatar
Hey man ... sorry to hear ....

I lost my mom on January 17, 2008 ... there is a thread on this in RL ... It's hard especially when they have suffered through a long illness. Mom had Parkinsons for over 19 years. It's not fun...

You will get through this and you will move forward. Keep her in your heart and your head ...
Posted 09-16-2008 at 10:34 AM by Jaak Jaak is offline
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JoAnne's Avatar
Oh my, I have never ever read anything so poignant and touching in my entire life. My heart goes out to you right now. My eyes were filled with tears as I read your story. I know your Mom is looking down at you and will make sure that you are ALWAYS alright, she wouldn't have it any other way.

You were a true Good Son. Be Proud.

Hugs and Peace to you......

Oh my.........................................
Posted 09-16-2008 at 07:36 PM by JoAnne JoAnne is offline
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food angel's Avatar
UD...This is a beautiful tribute to your mother. She sounds like she was an amazing woman, and you were both lucky to have one another. I'm so sorry that she lost her battle with breast cancer.

I'm glad she sent you a sign...I hope you will feel the Lord's peace in these days.
Posted 09-16-2008 at 09:54 PM by food angel food angel is offline
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Alexis's Avatar
UD, I felt the same way about my mother. She was one hell of a woman.

I knew her struggles, we talked like best friends. I knew her strengths. I accepted it all as part of her. Sometimes moms lead the way for us in death as well as life.

I'm in tears for you. I'm in tears <selfishly> for me, too. I left my mom to go back to my family on the other coast and at our parting she was crying. The worst feeling in the world is knowing your mom is crying because you're leaving. I said goodbye, I had to put my little family first. That's what she would have done.

I talked to her everyday, even when she couldn't speak. I still do talk to her No answers, but I know she hears me. I felt her around me for the longest time, like she was making sure I was OK. My dad lives with us now and the highest compliment he's ever paid me was that I was a lot like her.
Posted 09-22-2008 at 11:05 AM by Alexis Alexis is offline
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Robby in WA's Avatar
I was just bored at work and hit random blog and this came up.

I'm sorry for your loss Chris. I lost my Mom in 2000. She to battled breast cancer, but was officially in remission when a stroke got her. Mom's are great.

Beautifully written and heart felt tribute; she's proud of you.
Posted 08-22-2009 at 09:43 PM by Robby in WA Robby in WA is offline
 
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